|Posted by Benjamin Adams on November 5, 2012 at 10:25 AM|
As well as being a mutli award winning comedian and bullshitter I also work at the Natural History Museum in London. Before you start slipping off the seat ladies, I just sell guide books, but it's good money and hours and I get to do my comedy in the evening, so LAY OFF ME!
It's a fantastic place to work, with a huge dinosaur skeleton taking centre stage in the grand hall to which some religious types (or 'Idiots') have proclaimed 'so THIS is what Dinosaurs would have looked like if they were real?' not so defensive on the 'idiots' comment now are you?
However one downside to working there is the people that come in everyday, they annoy the hell out of me. No one ever looks at things and takes in the sheer magnitude of the fact they are looking at a real wooly mammoth skull from millions of years ago, instead they quickly take a picture of the exhibits on their smartphones or if they are complete morons, on their ipads. I imagine this is because we live in a world where it's pointless doing anything unless you can upload it to the internet and show off how you left the house that day. "I'm at the Museum today LOLS!'
A woman once strolled around the museum breast feeding casually not worrying at all that she had her tit out on display with a baby hanging off of it. Sure, breast feeding is a natural part of life, it's a necessary act but so is wanking and shitting and you don't see me doing them walking around a public building. Just find a quiet bench somewhere and do it there, breast feeding that is! The only reason I can see for doing it in front of everyone is to show off how fertile you are 'ooo look at me, I didn't use contraceptive and now I've got a baby....A BABY!!!' She came up to me with baby attached and asked 'excuse me where's the human biology exhibit?' I had to fight with all my might to not say 'erm right in front of me apparantly' ....basically i've decided that if someone breast feeds near me I'm going to shit and cum on the baby...but JUST to prove a point.
Near the time of the London Marathon a man came in who had been participating. He was wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with a picture of his paralysed wife. What a lovely thing to do, running 26 miles for you're incapacitated loved one. Is it though? Is that what she REALLY wants? "You know the fact you'll never walk again let alone run?? well....guess what I'm going to do!" It's sort of rubbing it in her face a little, surely she'd appreciate it more if you spent time with her instead of forcing her to watch you do something she'll never be able to do again. Plus lest we forget she is a female and he was running around with a picture of her on his chest of her not really looking her best!
Something happened one day that really had me questioning my morals. A mother came along with her down syndrome son and he was wearing a Doctor Who t-shirt, nothing wrong with that, 'you better not make a joke about his Down Syndrome' I hear you cry!! Well no, i'm not going to, I admire their complete innocence to the world, he was happy and full of the joys of spring, not a care in the world (except his ridiculously increased libido and his constant struggle to not fuck anything that moves) but I couldn't help but wonder what was going through the mothers head when she bought him the t-shirt. Many a Doctor Who t-shirt has been printed and I'm sure there was a lot of choice when purchasing said shirt but the one she had settled on for him to wear was a plain tshirt with just the words 'TARDIS' written in a large block font. SURELY there was a more appropriate choice? Maybe i'm being too synical but I felt bad for the kid, I even started crying ...but then I do that sometimes when I'm laughing too hard.
Back to religious types...
At The museum we have a whole section devoted to Charles Darwin and Evolution, a particular passion of mine. Any evidence you'd ever need for evolution is there and then some. One day I spotted a muslim lady in full burkha walking around there with her kids not really paying attention and telling her kids that 'this bit isn't true'. This annoyed me, wear what you like, believe what you like but don't walk around reading actual facts and give your children the impression that you've apparantly come for a day out at the Museum Of Nonsense. It angered me so much I HAD to say something, so I went up to her and screamed 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT OF THE CUPBOARD!!!' and I punched her in the face, because at the end of the day you can't disrespect other people's cultures even if they are wrong.