Ben Adams Comic

Comic, Actor, Cunnilinguist

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Mcflyday

Posted by Benjamin Adams on October 8, 2012 at 4:30 PM Comments comments (2)

Today I got to witness my housemate and best mate directing his first music video. Well rehearse his first music video, filming tomorrow. The song is by Mcfly called 'Love is Easy' and it's awesome. It's really great seeing your best mate that you've grown up with, not only achieve his dream but take it by the balls and suck its cock and boy does he suck a cock well.

I don't think Mcfly get enough credit for their music. They are sort of seen as a manufactured boy band but they write their own songs, play their own instruments and are 4 of the nicest guys you'll ever meet what more could you want? But then again I do listen to Paramore and Lil Chris from time to time so what the cunt do I know?

Anyway, enough of that. I had to dress in a chicken suit, a skin tight blue lycra suit and frankly be the 'bitch' for the day. Which of course I have no problem with, I have very little dignity left after my stint as the 'wicked queen' during a 2009 panto tour of alzeimer and dementia care homes so this was a walk in das park. But I couldn't shake the feeling that I was a 27 year old man playing the fool whilst others worked hard on their chosen craft and enjoyed the spotlight.

Where's my spotlight? a lot of my friends are now signed comedy acts getting offered gig after gig or paid actors enjoying a tour of the states as George Harrison in Backbeat. I'm in it for the long haul don't get me wrong and best of luck to the guys getting somewhere but COME ON! I storm gig after gig after gig, die once then smash another 50 gigs but no one gives a shit. I work super hard when I'm not playing Resident Evil 6 (which is fantastic by the way) but still The Comedy Store won't book me pfft

I'm just moaning and inpatient...impatient?...Imp Patient.....I dunno. I just couldn't live the alternative to chasing my dream! which is settling down, working at a job I hate, to pay for a mortgage I don't want, to house some sprogs I can't even have sex with.

Hand me my Chicken Suit - Ben 'fucking' Adams

Perspective

Posted by Benjamin Adams on September 19, 2012 at 8:35 AM Comments comments (0)

I entered the leicester square new act competition last week, the 3rd time in 3 years. Once again i failed to get through and as much as you think to yourself and KNOW that 'Comedy is subjective, no one can judge it and a comedy competition is as useful as a chocolate dildo' when it get's to the end of the night and they announce the winners, a little piece of you dies when you don't hear your name. But the other acts were really good that night....and I wasn't really prepared....they weren't MY audience...and I had an itchy bum from not wiping properly that day

It can be hard trudging along the comedy scene, killing nights and feeling great and then not doing so well in gigs that you wrongly think 'really matter', when in truth EVERY gig matters and are good wether you do well or not. You learn and progress so much more when you have a bad one but get your confidence and reward  when you have good ones. Trouble is if you get much more good ones than bad you start to think 'I'm amaaaazing!!! PUT ME ON TELLY!!!'. Even I've thought that on occasions and then gone on stage arrogant and been met with the angry bald faces of 10 cancer patients

I've been feeling a real lack of recognition for my comedy, I'm not saying I'm Bill Hicks yet but I'm slowly getting to a 'good' level, where I'm really confident with my material and I'm getting that 3 year feeling of 'I've put a LOT into this, sacrificed a lot and surely I should be getting offered paid 20 minutes every day!!??' but really I need to shut the fuck up and stop congratualting myself on 3 of my years in a job for life where I can ALWAYS improve..

Truth is though I don't think anybody will EVER be truly comfortable and never want more, it's human nature to strive to get further and further in life, 'greed' It's called. But I'm doing alright 'in I!? Why can't I be happy with few and far between success, better than now success at all right?

I've just filmed an advert for a broadband compare site, it's going to be on tv around xmas or springtime. Now in no way was this ever 'my dream job' and I'd be very upset if it was the best thing I ever did, but still... come on, it's quite awesome. I just like the thought that at one point when I was growing up and watching tv, I thought to myself 'I'm gonna be on there one day' like millions of other children I'm sure, but now I will be. YES it's on a shitty little broadband compare advert, that i'm CERTAIN will be incredibly embarrassing and everyone might laugh at my awful teeth or something BUT I still had the balls to follow my dream and hopefully this will be my first but not my only or biggest big job.

So big pat on the back for ol' Ben right? ...oh and I'm pencilled in for a Sainsbury's advert as well! I know...sellin out to satan. Only before I'm famous though, If I ever become 'famous' you will never see my face on an advert selling something but right now I need the money so fuck off! You can't have morals when you have a wonga.com account.

I'm worried this blog sounds a bit arrogant. But I'm happy with myself so let me be a little arrogant please? I'll get knocked down again shortly don't you worry, but for now I'll have a day to think 'Well done Ben mate, you're not a failure'.

Next week: Ben Kills Himself


Who do you think you are!?

Posted by Benjamin Adams on September 10, 2012 at 10:10 AM Comments comments (0)

I have just bought an iced Latte, problem is I live in Streatham and as I walked down the high street with my iced Latte I couldn't help but notice people looking and thinking 'who the hell does he think he is!? Mr Big shot with his iced latte! LA DE DA!'

They weren't thinking that of course, they were probably thinking 'Cafe Nero! pfft how cheap is he that he can't afford a starbucks! hasn't even got cream!, what's a matter mate, can't afford 35p extra for CREAM!'

The people of Streatham are a strange lot, I was walking behind a group of muslim girls all chatting quietly and laughing in their own language and then I heard one of them let out an unmistakeable "DAAAAAAAMN!" Black-sploitation style, I let out a laugh and spat out a mouthful of Latte 'whoops I thought' but In Streatham no one bats an eyelid at things like that. If it's not a rap troupe spurting out lies about jesus is some mental putting bin bags into the road smiling to himself.

Streatham is full of weirdo's but hilarious weirdo's...

Bag Lady: A woman resembling the letter R hobbles up and down the high street with an average 15 carrier bags every few days. What's weirder is, it's usually toilet roll.

PokéMong: This is a 30-35 year old oriental looking chap who dresses like Ash from pokemon. he can usually be spotted in and around WHSmith where he'll shout the name of things and point, "DOG", "CAR" "MAN" that sort of sillyness. He clearly has learning difficulties and so I am not proud of the nickname I have given him...

CAT Couple: An old lady sits outside Iceland and her partner in feline, an old man, sits outside the 99p shop further down the high street. Both are raising money to 'Feed The Cats' I'm never sure what cats or where they are or if they just mean cats in general and they are going to feed them my loose change. The old man is the craziest of the two, he will sit outside on a deckchair for hours screaming 'FEED THE CATS' ...'MEOOOOW MEOOOOW' To be fair to him, it's a good impression

KFC Man: Not a very imaginitive nick name sure, but a strange fellow indeed. He works in the larger of the two KFC's we have in Streatham, the one that has recently become exclusively Halal. So no Big Daddy meals for Ben unless I want to walk 10 minutes down the road grrr shouldn't be halaled. Anyway he is an asian man who goes beyond enthusiastic, he will re-tell your order before you even finish it, all the while tapping frantically around the screen. He'll try to second guess you by saying 'WHAT DRINK YOU LIKE WITH THAT, PEPSI? PEPSI?...PEPSI?' and 'WHAT SIDE ORDER WOULD YOU LIKE? BEANS?, COLESLAW? GRAVY?.. BEANS?. No matter what side order you asked for and continually remind him that it's NOT beans, you'll go home with a pot of beans.

Shirley: Me and my housemate actually had a drink and full on conversation with this one. She's about 4 foot tall and as old as the hills, looks a bit like Granny Gross from the real ghostbusters. You'll see her hobbling along the high street, pissed from being in wetherspoons all day, but she is one tough cookie. She told us "Ah Got drunk with my half a carlin that I always has in 'ere and then ah got mugged. Ah went to tha palice and said 'It was those fackin black bastards!' they said 'you can't say that' and I said 'why not? they were black bastards' and that was that' ah bin mugged free times since" Sounds horrible but is actually a lovely sweet monster of a lady.

Finally...

People Talking to themselves on the bus: I'm sure there's this lot all over london but I can't seem to get on a bus in streatham without seeing someone talking to themselves or an empty seat. Today one got on and stared at me menacingly, I looked at him and then smiled. He burst out laughing and mumbled 'alright, alright, alright, gotta do something haven't you!' to all the other passengers.

I do love streatham though, it's great fun. I'd rather these lot than the yummy mummy's of south kensington and we have a cafe nero now!


Unluckiest Actor In the Universe?

Posted by Benjamin Adams on September 6, 2012 at 7:25 PM Comments comments (0)

 I had me an audition the other day, an acting audition. It was for an advert for broadband and by golly I smashed the living pants out of it, but I probably won't get it and here's why.

I have an acting ageny who are awesome, can't believe they're still supporting me after all the bad luck I've had. They seem to get me a lot of advert castings which Is great and I've been pencilled in for more jobs than you could kill kittens in a day, but none have paid off for me. I was even in line for a 'Come to india' campaign once, 5 star accomodation and a fantastic 2 month trip around all the best spots in india, I just had to show I was 'fun and vibrant' so i put together a little tape of me doing crazy things, one being jumping out of a high tree which caused me to break two of my toes and some part of my foot, I didn't get a call back.

I have no doubt that i can act, but unfortunately I know I don't have the greatest teeth, i've got a bit of a bent nose and I'm just not quite attractive enough to be 'good looking male' in most commercials, which Is fine i'm at peace with this. But what is it about me that people like enough to pencil me but not enough to seal the deal?

I've nailed two commercials before, a toyota one and a ladbrookes one, but neither has ended up with me on 'da telly' The toyota one was filmed and in the edit, I was just waiting for that lovely buyout money and BANG they shut it down, just like that, It didn't ever get shown. The ladbrookes one I went to the wardrobe fitting and left with a lot of 'see you wednesday for filming!' but then the day before, I got a phonecall telling me they've changed the part for a woman, I was happy to raise my voice and tuck my cock inbetween my legs but this fell on deaf ears.

Since I've started comedy I've put the acting on the back bench, I love doing it but it's the people involved in media and production companies I can't stand, oh and other actors of course.

The problem with other actors is for me they seem far too desperate. At castings they will laugh loudly at the casting directors little jokes and will bound in to the room with a big enthusiastic 'HELLO' and a big smile from ear to ear, they are basically walking in saying 'GIVE ME THE JOB PLEEEEEEEEEEASE' When I prefer to go in with the attitude 'I'm right for this part, you just need to see it' because at the end of the day I'd like to believe that talent is what will win you a role, but of course I guess that's not always the case.

This recent audition is when i felt I really nailed it, I had listened through the wall of the other auditionee's from the waiting room and heard them screaming at each other during an improvisation of 'why didn't you change the broadband provider'. Even from the waiting room it sounded far too loud and unrealistic and I made the decision to go in and play it down, I'd rather them tell me to speak up than be too loud, we were supposed to be in a busy pub after all. One thing scared me, the script had said 'gastro pub' and alarm bells started ringing, I do not look like a regular visit to Gastro pubs, I think they are reserved for men in suits after a shift or trendy chino wearing londonites, whenever I walk into the one the bar staff look at me like i'm going to steal the lovely ketchup from the tables...which I've done twice...it's SO good.

I got through the improv and the whole room was laughing at my little added lines and I could feel that I was being extremely charming and likeable. It's nice when you can recognise this but it also means you can recognise when you've been a complete twat and lay awake at night thinking 'why did I say that to her! what a dick i am'. Then after hearing I was a stand up they asked me to tell a joke. This is always awkward as you have to make a quick judgement call of what type of person you are telling it to and wether it's really ok to tell a rape joke at 1pm in the afternoon just because you find it hilarious. I went for the clean option and told an inoffensive quite rubbish joke 'Some gorrilla's were throwing their poo around an enclosure once, the zoo keepers went (point) apeshit' . It went down ok, got a bit of a chuckle but I wished I had told a jew joke, it's my BEST one and it's about foreskins! Surely that would have cracked them up.

So right now i'm expecting a call to say 'you've got it!' but at the end of the day adverts need to have perfect looking people in them. The public need to think 'if I do this or buy that I could be like this guy or this girl' I don't think anyone would look at me and think 'man I want to look like that guy!' if they do, they need to eat a tub of ben and jerry's a night and never refuse a pint at a comedy night practically EVERY single night.

On the way home I felt happy but then looked around the bus to instantly annoy myself. There was a group of Black teens, Tacks? Bleens? calling each other 'fam' after every single word. One was wearing a huge puffa jacket with the hood up in blistering heat! He MUST have been hot, aside from all the bravado and toughness, in his head he must have been thinking 'I'm WAY too hot, should have gone for the Ben10 tshirt instead of this black puffa, you silly boy Tyrone!'

Sat in front of me was a 'rocker' guy. The 'rockers' of today are very different to the Longhaired, Megadeath tshirt wearing metallers I knew as a kid. Nowadays they have 'messy' haircuts that have been tampered with for 2 hours to get it to the right state of 'messy', they wear skinny jeans, pointy shoes and have a cloth hanging on them instead of a tshirt and at least one tiny nipple on show screaming out from a hairless chest. This is fine, wear what you like regardless of how obviously thought out your 'not thought out' outfit is However the thing that annoys me is the festival bands, I've seen so many people with 5 or more wristbands from festivals they've been to in the past being displayed along their wrist, why!? Does having Reading 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012 really show off your individuality or personality? or does it just show that you are SO predictable and boring that you have been doing the same thing every year for the last 10 years! I don't need to know that you do drugs and drink lots by going to festivals, it's not cool or impressive and that's coming from me who LOVES drugs and drink, I do it ALL the time. But not once do I ever sit there naked, while the rooms spinning, smoking a joint on my own trying desperately to elevate my limp penis that I am above all else...cool!

Good Gig, Bad Delivery

Posted by Benjamin Adams on September 3, 2012 at 8:35 AM Comments comments (1)

Last night I performed at The Hamlet in Streatham. it's a fantastic night, great room, supportive crowd and it's just lovely. All the acts had a great night as well and the night before I'd had a stormer so i thought this one would be the same and I'd film it, however, I was wrong. I did OK but was not happy with my performance at all.

I got laughs in the right places but said a few things that made me lose the audience, by the end they were very much against me as opposed to the start of the set when they were all up for a bit of a laugh.

The problem is, doing the sort of material i do, I either have to be a full on arsehole, Frankie Boyle style and not give a shit or be myself, which is likeable but a bit rude, 'cheeky offensiveness' I like to call it. Last night I was in the middle which didn't work, I was just a bit of a wanker, which is also 'being myself' just not the part of myself I wish to be seen as. I have had quite a lot of paid gigs and really great nights lately, which unfortunately can make you a bit arrogant in the sense you think 'well of course i'm going to smash it' and then when you don'tdo so well, your attitude turns a bit 'fuck you audience, i'm amazing' which I hate. I don't like this aspect of my personality but it's there so it's best to address it.

These people are there to laugh, they've paid money and are all in good spirits so the only reason they won't laugh is if it's not funny and I had to admit to myself last night that I just wasn't funny enough. They obviously weren't MY audience and were never going to enjoy me as much as I hoped but I just wasn't happy with the way I handled it. It's also lack of experience in the sense that most of my stuff is quite close to the mark and I don't have anything to switch to if the audience are quite sensitive. Then again I don't like to compromise my act but something a teeny less harsh could be something to work on. Perhaps as an angry rape victim once suggested '...do stuff about bankers!!!'. Which is on odd thing to hear after you've just raped someone.

But hey, onwards and upwards. It's all a learning experience and the fact I can point out everything I did wrong is a positive thing because I won't do it again.

My niece of all people brought me back down to reality after edinburgh. She's 12 years old and I was on the phone to her being my normal sarcastic self and she said

'Where are you working now?'

to which i replied '

The natural history museum'.

She quickly tutted and said

'god ben, that's not a career is it, why would you work there!?'

Now I got a little defensive

'Well it's a fantastic place, I get to stand in a hall with the bones of a dinosaur, that's pretty amazing! Have you been there?'

'Ben...'

she scoffed again

'If I wanted to look at dinosaurs I'd just google them, what are you doing with your life?'

and when a 12 year old says that to you, you have to question yourself a bit. It's a long road comedy, full of sacrifice (like having a proper job and stability) but I have to believe it'll be worth it someday. And anyway fuck that little shit, she hasn't even got pubes!


Post Masturbatory Depression

Posted by Benjamin Adams on August 29, 2012 at 8:30 AM Comments comments (0)

It's bad enough to have to look down at yourself after you've shot your creamy load all over your own belly, but the other night I sunk to a new low.

While surfing the internet for free porn I came across (pardon thepun) a porn website I’m quite partial too and it said '2 days for $1!’ I saw this opportunity and thought 'wow, I’ve never paid for porn before, it HAS tobe good and for only $1 I’ll be laughing all the way to climax'. So I entered my details as quickly as possible with one hand on my card/keyboard the otheron my rather impressive erection...ladies

All was fine and after I had cleaned up I proceeded to cancel mymembership as not to incur any reoccurring charges.

Cut to 2 days later....

I got a phone call from my banks fraud department asking to confirmsome recent transactions on my account, no problem I thought completely forgetting about the other nights sexy impulse buy. 'Did you make a transaction for "£1.95 to 'bangbros.com' and £25 to 'Mygirlfriend.com'. I instantly said yes and got the embarrassing call out the way as quick as I could.

I was furious, I had cancelled my membership but they had charged mefor a full month. I wasn't gonna take this laying down, or slumped in my chair tugging away. I instantly emailed BangBros.com to explain my situation, I liketo wank and I wasn't about to let them get away with screwing me over just because it was an embarrassing subject to bring up. So I emailed them:

I subscribed for $1 for 2 days of pornographic fun and then cancelled mymembership on the same day!!! Now as well as semen coming out of my penis,£1.95 AND £25 has come out of my bank account! I want it refunded immediately.I also had my bank phone me up to investigate the transactions and we had alovely chat about how it was a porn site, so that was lovely thanks for that! Please sort this out, damn that pre wank recklessness! £26.95 is officially the most expensive wank I’ve ever had, I could have just got Hermaphrodite Hannah to come round for that price and gone to town on her arsehole, whilst giving her a little reach around.

If it is not sorted I will take it up with the bank

Yours Truly

Ben 'Wanker' Adams

They emailed back straight away with not even a laugh or a nod to myhilarity but instead informed me I had 2 memberships and only cancelled one butI would not receive any more charges. Fuckers, they called my bluff, there isno way I'll be taking it up with the bank because that would mean going intoall the scummy details!

Bang bros were my favourite porn site and now they've ruined it because whilst I’m watching 2 hard cocks going into the orifices of a bootylicious babe I won't be able to stop thinking of them screwing me over.Fuck you BangBros!

 




 


Edinburgh 2012

Posted by Benjamin Adams on August 27, 2012 at 8:30 AM Comments comments (0)

I've just spent a week up at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, it was my first time there and like a young girl who has been consensually penetrated, my dreams didn't come true and I realised I’m gonna have to do this a hell of a lot before I really get good at it.

I've been on the open mic circuit for 3 years slowly working up a plethora of material and I’ve got up to 45 mins of 'debatably' pretty good stuff. However, doing 3-4 gigs a day in Scotland and changing up my material every gig, I realised I’ve actually got about 10 minutes of solid gold stuff that I’m completely happy with, the rest is a bit below par. All of which is fine because I’m only 27 and there's no rush, but I’ve got some work to do.

'Achieving your goals' can often seem impossible but usually that's because you're not enjoying what you are doing in the present and JUST lookingf orward to when you are playing sell out crowds at Hammersmith Apollo. I did a phenomenal 10- 15 minutes the other week in Essex to over 60 people who laughed at everything I had to say AND I got paid £40. This may seem like pittance and you can instantly think 'that's all very well and good but what about the rest of your life!? you can't live off that!' but that gig in itself is a HUGE achievement when you think that 3 years ago I thought I could NEVER do stand up comedy, right up until I first went on stage at a terrible poetry/comedy/musicnight in Whitechapel and barely had 5 minutes of unthought-of crappy material.

I've just done 3-4 spots a day in Edinburgh, an amazing city that I had no intention of even visiting 3 years ago. Whilst some spots went down badly, others went down better than any other gig I’ve done. This to me is another achievement I can feel proud of. In a city surrounded by posters and reviews of other comedians doing well, their faces staring at you as you walk away from a bad gig of 5 audience members and one dog. I learnt to appreciate every single one of the good gigs, the people that have praised me after a show and more importantly to not spend my days day dreaming about where I want to beand instead concentrate on where I am.

The '3 year mark' is a tough time for any performer, you've invested enough time in it to justify to yourself that you deserve something for all the hard work. When in reality, you've only scratched the surface of your potential. It excites me so much sexually, that in 5 years time I’ll have a much better quality of material and a lot more of it and the same for 10 years time, you can't master a craft in 3 years, it's just not possible. You can get confident with it and perform to a good level, but fact is, your material just ISN'T going to be superb, you might have a very good 10-15 mins but anything longer and the cracks start to show.

You also start to think 'how long can I carry on doing this' especially when others around you all appear to be doing fantastic and the last thing you want is to be left on the open mic circuit with your dick in your hand. It's easy to get bitter and jealous of other acts that started the same time as you and have achieved various forms of success, competition wins ,agents, blowjobs or TV work. Ultimately though, it achieves nothing, getting angry and bitter about your peers is something comedians seem to revel in. But why? you moaning isn't gonna stop their success or help yours and you can't even gather material from your anger because no one knows them and if they do then you will just look like a bitter idiot.

That said, I’m just as guilty as everyone of moaning about someone's success from time to time, but only because of something else I learnt in Edinburgh....some comics....are dicks. I'm not taking back my last statement, moaning about other comics IS pointless, but because stand up is such a social business,you meet a lot more of your co-workers than you would in a job at burger king west Croydon. I have a few people I’d happily call my close friends in thestand up community. However I find it easy to like a lot of comics, maybe notas an act but as people but this year I’ve noticed that some will completelyblank you if they are chatting or hanging out with comics of a 'higher status'.Some can be complete arseholes, high on their own farts. I saw a comic I recognised in Edinburgh who is doing quite well and said 'hey man I know you,how's it going' and without even really acknowledging my existence said 'yeahyou've probably been to my show or something' and walked off. There's beenlot's of moments like that in the last week and it's taught me one important thing, stand up comedy is a business above all else and it's ruthless.

In my eyes you have your close friends on the circuit and then yourother friend’s then people you don't get on with, which is fine, we're not allcare bears. But you also have supposed friends who up until recently I believedto be genuine but in fact would screw you over for a 20 minute spot at pearshaped.

I sound rather bitter and angry, but I’m not at all. I don't blamethese people for being suck ups etc it’s their way of following their dream butnaively it took Edinburgh to make me realise that these people were out thereand to not be so free to help others that would not help you if their lifedepended on it.

To summarise, I had a fantastic Edinburgh. Full of highs and lows butI learnt so much about me and my material and how the whole business works. Next year I will take 30 minutes up there, of course I’m tempted to do my 'bighour' but the truth is I’m just not good enough to do an hour yet. Neither aremany other people that go up there and do an hour. All the 4 stars or 5 starreviews in the world couldn't stop me making me feel like crap if I did an hour and I knew deep down that some bits were easy and poor.

First Blog entry done, it's not that 'funny' but then no one is going to 'read' this, so piss off

 


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