Ben Adams Comic

Comic, Actor, Cunnilinguist

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I'm Pregnant so I'm Better Than You

Posted by Benjamin Adams on January 20, 2013 at 6:45 AM

I got a msg the other day from an old friend who has recently got married. They said "Yeah I'm married now, it's weird, it's so grown up!" no it isn't. Getting married or having a baby has nothing to do with "growing up" it's not the next stage in life for EVERYONE, regardless of what the majority of the british public seem to think.

Back in Portsmouth where I grew up, the "norm" is to have a mortgage, get married and have at least 1 baby before the age of 28 and then spend the rest of your years doing up your kitchen or bathroom every few years to keep things "interesting". Then in your mid 40's you have a mid life crisis because you suddenly feel like you've wasted your life by settling down too early and so you have an affair or buy a sports car.

I'm not exactly excited about that idea, in fact it terrifies me. I'm almost 28 and just the thought of having the responsibility of a childs life in my hands scares the bejesus out of me. My point is, whilst having a baby is exciting for most people it's not for everyone and both parents and non parents should respect that, but they dont.

I find parents to be the most annoying people on the planet, they talk about their children non stop whilst posting endless pictures of their babies on social networking sites and are in general extremely nauseating. Not all parents of course but working at the Natural History Museum you see A LOT more of the nauseating ones. One of the reasons for me not ever wanting children is what they seem to do to the parents, all individuality seems to disappear and you become this dull lifeless husk of a babysitter. That's just my opinion from an outsider looking in, i'm sure everyone has different experiences and feelings towards this but this is mine and I'm not writing "The Book of Right Opinions" so chill out.

However, being a Parent must be hard, ridiculously hard and I have all the respect in the world for them. I may get annoyed that their child is screaming but they have to put up with that shit 24/7, I couldn't do it so best of luck to you. Raising a child is a tremendous achievement, getting pregnant though, really isn't.

Any fucker can get pregnant, literally ANYONE. So when I see a pregnant woman walking around like she owns the place, it drives me insane. You've seen the "baby on board" badges I'm sure, they're little badges you wear on the tube so people will give up their seat because you're pregnant, but they will wear these after 1 day of knowing about the pregnancy sometimes. I have no problem giving up my seat for a woman who is 8 months pregnant and bursting at the seams, of course not, please sit down. But when someone who is as skinny as a rake and has a "baby on board" badge on, looks at me with a smug face and looks down at her badge I want to scream at her "YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING YET!!!"

You have unprotected sex, you might get pregnant, but it's 9 months before that little shit pops out so don't start thinking you deserve special treatment just because you let some guy shoot his load inside you. "but ben, they're probably really chuffed they're pregnant and want to show it off" so? I'm sure your family will be fawning over your vagina every night, but me, I honestly couldn't give a shit. As far as i'm concerned I'VE done more than you because I HAVEN'T gotten someone pregnant and that takes A LOT more effort. Until that baby comes out and you actually have to do something you can fuck off. I'd give my seat up to a woman with 2 toddlers way before I'd give up my seat for you because they actually do DESERVE it.

When i talk about this stuff, people say "you'll feel differently when you have your own" and they act like they've suddenly worked out the meaning of life after cleaning a babies shit off their face. If you wanna have kids that's your business but it does not make you more "mature" or "grown up" than me and you have no right to look down at me or talk to me like i'm your fucking child.

We only get one life, if you want to spend the majority of that life supporting someone else then that's up to you and best of luck to you if it makes you happy but I'd rather do everything I want and can do in my brief existence on this earth without someone literally and metaphorically draining the life force from my tits. "Oh but ben, what if your parents had thought like that!" they didn't...end of argument.


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