Ben Adams Comic

Comic, Actor, Cunnilinguist

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Is this IT now then?

Posted by Benjamin Adams on July 10, 2013 at 7:55 PM Comments comments (0)

You spend your childhood being told what to do. "Get up, go to school" Then "Get up, go to college" and maybe you'll make it to "Get up, you're off to university"

You're in education from 5 years old all the way to 21-23 even and all that time you just repeat what others have told you in order to pass a test or complete a piece of coursework, enabling you to proceed to the next level in the education game.

Then when all that education is done you are out in the "real" world. Fending for yourself in a world that is not unlike the Matrix's "Real World" in the sense that it's shit.

I've been in the Real World for 7 years now. Working to pay rent, trying to live my dream in my spare time and for me....that's enough now, if this is all I do for the rest of my days shoot me in the face. I'm not suicidal or anything but is this all there is? really? It's not even because I haven't made it big or anything, just lately it's more of a "why the fuck do I do this?"

Everyday we wake up and do the same shit we do all the time. For me it's "go to work, go home, go do a gig" or sometimes "call in sick for work, do nothing, go do gig" although occasionally "do nothing" will suffice for a description of my days.

Sure there are distractions to the mind numbing boredom that is existence, but all of them have adverts trying to sell me shit. I imagine it's because everyone is bored, they must be. Why else would companies feel the need to bombard us constantly with images of happiness and the product that gets you it.

It all just feels very sinister to me. I can't help but feel an overwhelming sense that everything we know is wrong somehow, like an animal born in captivity that just KNOWS there's more out there.

Perhaps it was a bad idea to take that acid that time. I took the red pill and now all I see is code and each line of code says "bullshit"

Maybe this is the ramblings of a mad man and in years to come i'll blow up a school and the Sun will print this with the headline "Sick Matrix fan took drugs before killing children!!!" and the Guardian will say "Appallingly Written Drivel from Matrix Racist"

I'm Special

Posted by Benjamin Adams on May 8, 2013 at 8:10 AM Comments comments (0)

We are all human beings, every single one of us. We all shit and wipe our arses, we've all put another person's genitals in our mouth and we all have the same thing programmed into our brains "I'm Special". If we didn't we wouldn't survive.

The internet, tv talent competitions and the rise of talentless celebrities has done nothing but feed this "i'm special" part of our brains and now every one of us feels arrogantly entitled to success, love and happiness. Sadly though this planet is getting ever so over-crowded and the fact is, not everyone will make it. I will of course ....but maybe not you.

Music, Film, Tv and Stand up is now so over saturated with mediocre shit because we like feeding that "I'm Special" part of us too much. So we get reality shows all about how regular people like us come from nothing and make it big. Songs all about "partying" all the time and meeting "the one" because we're all so special and one day someone will come along and change things for us because we're so fucking interesting. Popular Stand up comedy seems to have to be about things we ALL do like... "Ah went into my bedroom the other day and then I thought...why did I come in here! ay...ay...haha...why do we do that ay?" . It's because If you have to listen to someone else's shit for 5 minutes you might learn something about life from a different perspective and who wants that! LOOK AT MY NEW BAYYYYBBYYYY

I once had the urge to gig every single night, the passion to work on my set all day and to watch comedy for inspiration every second I could. Now though, I can see what i'm working towards on tv, watching more and more comics rise to the top and playing the o2 arena and find myself not wanting any part of that world anymore.

More and more comedians are making it and with that success comes hateful bitterness from their jealous peers. That's the general vibe I get now at gigs and It's not a fun place to be. I contribute to it too though of course, who doesn't like to moan about anothers success, it stops the fear and anxiety taking hold sometimes. For instance:

I hate Russell Kane, I loathe him with every fibre of my being. His stupid guyliner, his blonde streak above his cunty face and his material for 15 year olds coming from his 33 year old mouth. I've never met him, I'm sure he's a probably a decent bloke. He's just the physical manifestation of everything comedy has become...young, shiny, inane, dishonest and trendy, with a tiny cock and no balls.

Just wanted to get that out, hate being one of those people doing a "I'm right, you're wrong" kind of blog, everyone's got an opinion and that my friends is the fucking problem.


Hi i'm from...

Posted by Benjamin Adams on January 31, 2013 at 7:40 PM Comments comments (0)

Lots of comedians will start their set with where they are from and then proceed to spend a bit of time telling the audience how shit it is there.

In my experience I couldn't do that, It just wouldn't be honest, i fucking love Portsmouth. Yes it's a bit run down and there's no prospects for anyone living there BUT it's home. It hasn't REALLY been home for 4 years but living in London doesn't seem warm and cosy enough yet to call it HOME

At least in Portsmouth people don't have ideas above their station, they'll work in a shitty job and get on with it because that's what you do. Where as in London everyone wants more, everyone wants to be famous or important. London is where dick heads become creatives and creatives become dick heads.

London is like World Of Warcraft, you walk around and see lots of people with better shit than you but your not willing to put the time in to get that shit. Sure that's a niche reference but it's true so I'm keeping it in.

In London you get 20-30 somethings declaring they are "Young Professionals" they should save us time and just say "oh i'm a dick" then only other dicks would need to bother with them, "you're a dick? well i'm a dick too!" They're the kind of people who would buy an air freshener disguised as a rock because imagine the embarrassment of walking into a fresh smelling home and discovering that the reason for this is an AIR FRESHENER! ...sluts.

Even socks are too good for these London types, you can't move without seeing some tosspot in turn up jeans or chinos, loose loafers and ankles on show. Really? too cool for socks now are you? Sock's have ALWAYS been uncool but you wear them, it's what we do! Pants AND socks, that's your basic underwear. In school if you forget your kit then you have to do it in pants and socks, just pants would look fucking ridiculous.

YOLO, you only live once. That might be something these cunts say. I think people that say that have one too many lives, they should have none...none lives.

So basically, fuck off london, if you weren't tremendously awesome in every way except for the cunts inhabiting you then I'd leave.

I'm Pregnant so I'm Better Than You

Posted by Benjamin Adams on January 20, 2013 at 6:45 AM Comments comments (0)

I got a msg the other day from an old friend who has recently got married. They said "Yeah I'm married now, it's weird, it's so grown up!" no it isn't. Getting married or having a baby has nothing to do with "growing up" it's not the next stage in life for EVERYONE, regardless of what the majority of the british public seem to think.

Back in Portsmouth where I grew up, the "norm" is to have a mortgage, get married and have at least 1 baby before the age of 28 and then spend the rest of your years doing up your kitchen or bathroom every few years to keep things "interesting". Then in your mid 40's you have a mid life crisis because you suddenly feel like you've wasted your life by settling down too early and so you have an affair or buy a sports car.

I'm not exactly excited about that idea, in fact it terrifies me. I'm almost 28 and just the thought of having the responsibility of a childs life in my hands scares the bejesus out of me. My point is, whilst having a baby is exciting for most people it's not for everyone and both parents and non parents should respect that, but they dont.

I find parents to be the most annoying people on the planet, they talk about their children non stop whilst posting endless pictures of their babies on social networking sites and are in general extremely nauseating. Not all parents of course but working at the Natural History Museum you see A LOT more of the nauseating ones. One of the reasons for me not ever wanting children is what they seem to do to the parents, all individuality seems to disappear and you become this dull lifeless husk of a babysitter. That's just my opinion from an outsider looking in, i'm sure everyone has different experiences and feelings towards this but this is mine and I'm not writing "The Book of Right Opinions" so chill out.

However, being a Parent must be hard, ridiculously hard and I have all the respect in the world for them. I may get annoyed that their child is screaming but they have to put up with that shit 24/7, I couldn't do it so best of luck to you. Raising a child is a tremendous achievement, getting pregnant though, really isn't.

Any fucker can get pregnant, literally ANYONE. So when I see a pregnant woman walking around like she owns the place, it drives me insane. You've seen the "baby on board" badges I'm sure, they're little badges you wear on the tube so people will give up their seat because you're pregnant, but they will wear these after 1 day of knowing about the pregnancy sometimes. I have no problem giving up my seat for a woman who is 8 months pregnant and bursting at the seams, of course not, please sit down. But when someone who is as skinny as a rake and has a "baby on board" badge on, looks at me with a smug face and looks down at her badge I want to scream at her "YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING YET!!!"

You have unprotected sex, you might get pregnant, but it's 9 months before that little shit pops out so don't start thinking you deserve special treatment just because you let some guy shoot his load inside you. "but ben, they're probably really chuffed they're pregnant and want to show it off" so? I'm sure your family will be fawning over your vagina every night, but me, I honestly couldn't give a shit. As far as i'm concerned I'VE done more than you because I HAVEN'T gotten someone pregnant and that takes A LOT more effort. Until that baby comes out and you actually have to do something you can fuck off. I'd give my seat up to a woman with 2 toddlers way before I'd give up my seat for you because they actually do DESERVE it.

When i talk about this stuff, people say "you'll feel differently when you have your own" and they act like they've suddenly worked out the meaning of life after cleaning a babies shit off their face. If you wanna have kids that's your business but it does not make you more "mature" or "grown up" than me and you have no right to look down at me or talk to me like i'm your fucking child.

We only get one life, if you want to spend the majority of that life supporting someone else then that's up to you and best of luck to you if it makes you happy but I'd rather do everything I want and can do in my brief existence on this earth without someone literally and metaphorically draining the life force from my tits. "Oh but ben, what if your parents had thought like that!" they didn't...end of argument.


Falling out of love with Comedy

Posted by Benjamin Adams on January 11, 2013 at 7:55 PM Comments comments (1)

Growing up I LOVED comedy, I would watch hours of Frank Skinner, Jo Brand, Whose Line is it Anyway. Fist of Fun and even Joe Pasquale. I loved it all, I would stay up late on a friday night to watch Cheers, Friends and Frasier after I had watched Father Ted, Big Train, League of Gentlemen or Brass Eye. This is a tiny portion of the comedy I had access to growing up and maybe I'm just getting old but dear god it was good, well written, superbly performed and rehearsed. Nowadays I can barely sit through a "comedy" show without groaning.

Tv comedy is now panel shows starring sub par comedians or comedians hosting a new years eve chat show. UK sitcoms were revitalized with the like of  "The Office" and whilst america took that format and went mad with it producing fantastic shows like Modern Family, Parks and Recreation and Curb Your Enthusiasm, we have gone back to 70's/80's style sitcoms with Miranda, Not Going Out and Mrs Brown Boys, all equally as terrible as each other. What the hell happened? The UK was once the home of comedy as a genre and others would look on in awe, now it's a fucking joke.

At least there's stand up right? that's the last bastion of real comedy. Nope, even that has been turned into a corporate conveyor belt for mediocrity, with the new wave of telly comedians such as Russell Howard, Russell Kane, John Bishop, Sarah Millican every twat now thinks he can be funny and do stand up. These telly comedians have their merits, they can write a fairly amusing joke and maybe back that joke up with a funny movement to really get the laughs but sadly they are comedians in the same way Rylan from the X-Factor is "talented"

As a comedian I LOVE gigging, the stormers and the deaths on stage are all part of the process and all I strive to do is get better and better at my chosen art form. This however is not the case for most people it seems. Stand up comedy is now something that'll get you on tv. If you are likeable and up to date with the latest fashion trends you could easily find yourself on 8 out of 10 Cats within 5 years. I can't really blame them for doing these kind of shows because they pay well and who doesn't want to be famous?

Me...I don't want to be "famous" I want to be the best stand up I can be. If that means that at the end of my career i'm playing to 100 people who love my stuff rather than thousands who love the material I've been forced to do to earn a living then I'm fine with that.

A "famous" tv comedian seems to have this journey but perhaps not in this order:- Do stand up for a few years, get paid gigs, do an hour at edinburgh, get signed, get pushed onto as many panel and "50 best.." shows as possible, maybe get your own show that's written for you by others, have a christmas dvd and repeat the last few steps until people are finally bored of you. No thanks i'd rather shoot myself now.

I'm not condemning the people that do this, because where else do you go? I'm complaining that THIS is comedy now, it's how you progress. When I started, the people headlining the gigs were people that I keep seeing on telly now, it's the natural order. I don't want to do any of that shit but I can't say I never would if offered because again, where else can you go!?

This is all reflected on facebook and twitter nowadays with new comedians all trying to out do each other with their status' "I smashed a gig tonight AND I've got a gig with up the creek opening 20 mins tomorrow and I'm gonna be on tv!" ..."well,,,I just got 4 stars for my edinburgh show by a reviewer that no one knows" Seriously EVERYONE seemed to get at least 4 stars in edinburgh, it's meaningless. As is all this boasting and two faced congratulating that everyone seems to be doing as well. I'm pretty sure no one got on The Royal Variety Performance because they kissed another comedians arsehole after winning The Cavendish Arms new act night.

I'm not saying posting an exciting thing now and again is wrong because we're all human and deserve the fun of telling our friends good news, but posting that good news on comedy forums or continuously updating us on every little victory is a little pathetic. As are new comedians or ANY comedian in fact, telling others "this is how you do comedy" everyone is different now fuck off.

All this said, I'm not going to be quitting any time soon and if comedians want to go on Mock The Week that's their choice, they might love the show, it's just not to my personal taste. My main problem is the "fame game" attitude comedians have now, rather than a deep love of stand up. Taking your clothes off in a magazine or booking well known acts to your night and then sucking their cock publicly on social media isn't the way to become a great comedian in my eyes but if it makes them happy who am I to say anything?

I'm just another dick head comedian thinking my opinion is the right one, but it isn't and neither is yours

Books to Porn

Posted by Benjamin Adams on January 5, 2013 at 6:30 AM Comments comments (0)

I've been watching some odd porn lately. Not odd in a Jim Davidson way but I can't stop watching film parody porn. Captain America, Batman and even Scooby Doo lends itself very well to porn and there's something about watching Batman have sex with a female Robin in full costume that's a little sexy.

Yes it's weird but It got me thinking about other things you could turn into porn such as classic novels. Imagine if there was a porn franchise called "Charles Dick-In" with such films as "Fellate Expectations", "A Christmas with Carol", "David Cop-A-Feel" and of course "Oliver Fist"....bent over in agony proclaiming "..Please sir...I want some more"

You could do it with ANYTHING, even more great works of literary fiction could be brought to the porn table. For example, the Bible or the Qur'ran.

Some religious types got a teeny bit annoyed last year over a badly written, badly acted and all round awful cinematic representation of their prophet muhammad. There were riots and protests, but this gave the film an ENORMOUS amount of publicity. If there was a porn version where Buddha is wanking off Jesus whilst Muhammad fucks him from behind, the religious nutcase community would quite literally EXPLODE! The film though would be hugely advertised for free on news channels round the world and could easily become a lucrative success. I can think of no reason why it hasn't been done yet.

Maybe one day but until then I'll sit back and watch a nice German Porn parody called "Meine Cunts"

Misery

Posted by Benjamin Adams on December 17, 2012 at 6:35 AM Comments comments (0)

A miserable man walked down the street, when recieving a smile he looked at his feet

"I don't care about others" he said without a faulter, "Not your mother, your father or even your daughter"

Grumbling to himself he walked off in a huff, then bought some milk and some belly button fluff

Carrying his bags he rushed on home, to lock the door and sit on his own

Inside was lovely, lonely and warm, he pulled down his pants and looked at his porn

"Oh yes" he screamed stroking his cock, he came in a flash and wiped up with a sock

Sad but fulfilled he then turned to the kitchen, but his sandwiches were off so he had to ditch'em

"Oh life is so hard" screamed the miser of this tale, "It's so hard to win but so easy to fail"

The saddened man cried a single tear, is this how he'd end the year?

No sandwiches, friends or reasons to leave, this has to be the worst new years eve

This was the reason for his angry persona, sharing a christmas with a bottle of corona

So you see every person can have a story, not of all of us can live in permanant glory

So if someone is a cunt or just a bit down, understand there's a reason for wearing the frown

Don't just presume they are bastards, because of their actions, try to understand it is an emotional reaction

To something terrible in the past or that day, thats made them act a very certian way


Comedy isn't funny

Posted by Benjamin Adams on December 10, 2012 at 8:40 AM Comments comments (0)

Not a day goes by that I'm not somehow involved or witnessing someone just trying to be funny and getting scorned for it. The act of "trying to make people laugh" is not a crime as far as I know but a lot of people seem to be being persecuted for it.

In comedy, I do what I find funny. I have carried on with stand up because I have done well at many  gigs and so obviously there is a market for what I find funny. I've also done badly and shows me that my style isn't for everyone, that is completely fine we are all different and have had different events leading up to this point that has shaped the way we think and act . In a perfect world people would get on with things they enjoy and the people that didn't enjoy those particular things would stay away from them. With twitter, facebook, youtube and the natural human desire to 'be heard' and a hard wired lie to ourselves that 'we're special, different from the rest' a perfect world is impossible. We also take people's bias tellings of a story as fact and judge an opinion before finding out what really happened ourselves.

The way the world is going we are collectively narrowing our free speech all the time. It's offically agreed that we can no longer say certain words, Mong, Half-Caste, Rape, Muslim amongst others. I'm not saying these words are ok to say but if you want to say them, go ahead and accept responsibility for any backlash you recieve. After this week it seems that officially we should not be allowed to try and do something entertaining. Such as a phone call to a royal hospital for a prank just incase the person who picks up is emotionally unstable and it sets off a chain of events and media coverage that results in her killing herself.

Think what you want about this story, that's the way I see it. Most importantly though I just don't care about this story at all. It seems like an unfortunate series of events but there doesn't appear to be anyone to blame and so there's nothing we can do. I don't think the world knows how to deal with this. The Jimmy Saville case has got people so up in arms because as of yet there has been no one to take the blame for it all. Jimmy Saville is dead, he got away with it. It's horrible what he did but we quite literally can do nothing about it. We can try to stop it happening again and are tieing up all the lose ends by finding out who the other people involved were, but ultimately there's no resolve to be had.

The Comedy world and comedians seem to be so wrapped up about what we can say and what we can't that they have forgotten the most important thing about comedy. It's main appeal is that it can come from ANYWHERE. You can't pin point exactly what makes you laugh, it's different for everyone but when it does you can realise something about yourself you didn't know.

I'm not suggesting we should stop arguing with each other, not in the slightest. Debate is the only way to change anything but it's people's way of "debating" I dislike. If you disagree with someone, tell them and give them some points about why you disagree and they can then come back with their arguement. Close friends should be able to debate with one another and still be friends afterwards but instead in this facebook and twitter era a "debate" will descend into ganging up on people. Using personal insults to try and get your point across and usually causing one party to give up their opinion and join the majority less they be shunned forever by their peers.

You may not agree with me, that's good, it's healthy! I WANT people to disagree with me always because the moment no one has a problem with anything said or done by anyone in the world then we are well and truly fucked.

I hate Women

Posted by Benjamin Adams on November 23, 2012 at 7:25 PM Comments comments (0)

I can't stand women, not the real women that live day to day in the real world but the women I am forced to watch every day in advertising.

When watching tv, a break will always consist of at least one ad aimed soley at women, i.e make up, perfume and tena lady. These advert's are the ones I find most annoying, partly because I am a man grrr but mainly because of the idiotic way women are portrayed.

In some female orientated adverts you will see a woman walking along smiling and maybe even laughing to herself about the fact she resisted a cake and ate a special k granite bar instead. Maybe you'll see a group of women out on the town or meeting for lunch and literally pissing themselves over the fact one of them has occasional bladder incontinence. The worst one however, are the family ads. The woman can be seen doing every piece of house work imaginable, picking up the kids, cooking the dinner and still managing to look radiant, then the silly man comes home and asks "EH DERRRR WHERES DAT SMELL COMIN FROM LOVE!!!???" or rushes in front of the tv to "WATCH DA FOOTY!".  Yes this is insulting to the man but by adding that element and having the woman look empowered at the end does it really justify using the same old 50's stereotype that woman are ALL homemakers. More importantly though it's just not REAL but because it's on the telly and includes scenes from true daily life, everyone will percieve these images to be 'the norm' and think 'we'll i'm the exception but all other people are EXACTLY like that'

The boots ads are the worst, although Ernie K. Doe and Sugababes are probably doing alright from them. I hate them because there are a few adverts like the boots one that try to reinforce the feminist side of things by showing working, confident women having a good fun time. But it's always for something like chocolate, make up or dieting which is after all, the only things you REALLY care about right girls?

I just think that the advertising that is forced upon millions of people every day showing women as giggling, moronic, vapid creatures with a thirst for gossip is a bit degrading to you lovely ladies.

Maybe I've got the wrong end of the stick, because after all I am not a woman so of course these ad's won't work on me. Those fosters ad's with the two aussie's being HILARIOUS with those fit birds behind them though, THATS a good advert! lads!


Natural History Museum

Posted by Benjamin Adams on November 5, 2012 at 10:25 AM Comments comments (8)

As well as being a mutli award winning comedian and bullshitter I also work at the Natural History Museum in London. Before you start slipping off the seat ladies, I just sell guide books, but it's good money and hours and I get to do my comedy in the evening, so LAY OFF ME!

It's a fantastic place to work, with a huge dinosaur skeleton taking centre stage in the grand hall to which some religious types (or 'Idiots') have proclaimed 'so THIS is what Dinosaurs would have looked like if they were real?' not so defensive on the 'idiots' comment now are you?

However one downside to working there is the people that come in everyday, they annoy the hell out of me. No one ever looks at things and takes in the sheer magnitude of the fact they are looking at a real wooly mammoth skull from millions of years ago, instead they quickly take a picture of the exhibits on their smartphones or if they are complete morons, on their ipads. I imagine this is because we live in a world where it's pointless doing anything unless you can upload it to the internet and show off how you left the house that day. "I'm at the Museum today LOLS!'

A woman once strolled around the museum breast feeding casually not worrying at all that she had her tit out on display with a baby hanging off of it. Sure, breast feeding is a natural part of life, it's a necessary act but so is wanking and shitting and you don't see me doing them walking around a public building. Just find a quiet bench somewhere and do it there, breast feeding that is! The only reason I can see for doing it in front of everyone is to show off how fertile you are 'ooo look at me, I didn't use contraceptive and now I've got a baby....A BABY!!!' She came up to me with baby attached and asked 'excuse me where's the human biology exhibit?' I had to fight with all my might to not say 'erm right in front of me apparantly' ....basically i've decided that if someone breast feeds near me I'm going to shit and cum on the baby...but JUST to prove a point.

Near the time of the London Marathon a man came in who had been participating. He was wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with a picture of his paralysed wife. What a lovely thing to do, running 26 miles for you're incapacitated loved one. Is it though? Is that what she REALLY wants? "You know the fact you'll never walk again let alone run?? well....guess what I'm going to do!" It's sort of rubbing it in her face a little, surely she'd appreciate it more if you spent time with her instead of forcing her to watch you do something she'll never be able to do again. Plus lest we forget she is a female and he was running around with a picture of her on his chest of her not really looking her best!

Something happened one day that really had me questioning my morals. A mother came along with her down syndrome son and he was wearing a Doctor Who t-shirt, nothing wrong with that, 'you better not make a joke about his Down Syndrome' I hear you cry!! Well no, i'm not going to, I admire their complete innocence to the world, he was happy and full of the joys of spring, not a care in the world (except his ridiculously increased libido and his constant struggle to not fuck anything that moves) but I couldn't help but wonder what was going through the mothers head when she bought him the t-shirt. Many a Doctor Who t-shirt has been printed and I'm sure there was a lot of choice when purchasing said shirt but the one she had settled on for him to wear was a plain tshirt with just the words 'TARDIS' written in a large block font. SURELY there was a more appropriate choice? Maybe i'm being too synical but I felt bad for the kid, I even started crying ...but then I do that sometimes when I'm laughing too hard.

Back to religious types...

At The museum we have a whole section devoted to Charles Darwin and Evolution, a particular passion of mine. Any evidence you'd ever need for evolution is there and then some. One day I spotted a muslim lady in full burkha walking around there with her kids not really paying attention and telling her kids that 'this bit isn't true'. This annoyed me, wear what you like, believe what you like but don't walk around reading actual facts and give your children the impression that you've apparantly come for a day out at the Museum Of Nonsense. It angered me so much I HAD to say something, so I went up to her and screamed 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT OF THE CUPBOARD!!!' and I punched her in the face, because at the end of the day you can't disrespect other people's cultures even if they are wrong.





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